Women

I love women. Women are so beautiful to me. Of course there are some that aren't so easy on the eyes LOL...but...there is just something about the essence of a woman that is so sexy to me. The softness of her skin, the sculpture of her face, the sultry eyes...even a woman's walk sometimes is so graceful and mesmerizing. Now..let's get this straight...I am not a lesbian. Could never be one. I could never have a life relationship with one...I need a man for that. BUT.. I do find myself physically drawn to women at times. I often wonder if this is wrong....biblically anyway. Now, I don't always think of sex when I look at women. Sometimes, I just have a desire to be close to them....feeling them next to me. I think the most beautiful women are the ones that have curves and a bit of thickness to them. The kind that everything about them just screams WOMAN... those are the kind that I want to touch when I see them. There is just something so inviting and warm about a curvy woman. Maybe it's her softness or the way her body moves. The smell of her perfume, her hair...her skin...pouty lips... just delicious to me.

I believe I would have loved living back in the days when women had "hand-maidens". LOL I would have loved to have several that would bathe me, dress me, brush my hair...sleep in my bed when my "lord" was away. LOL Unfortunately that doesn't go over well in this day and age. I think that would be called "Polygamy" or something. HA

I do feel very conflicted about how I am attracted to women. Being a spiritual person...I often wonder what God really thinks about it. I know the Bible speaks about homosexuality as something he hates. It even says there is a place in hell for homosexuals. I scratch my head sometimes though because it seems to talk more about male homosexuals than women. I have asked God before about it. And I'm not quite sure I ever got an answer. Or maybe I just didn't hear Him. SMH... I dunno... It is frustrating though, because I have had those desires in me for as long as I can remember. A psychologist once told me it was because of the sexual abuse I went through as a child...that there is some psychological satisfaction or comfort that I probably get out of women in that way. Not sure. I have asked God to take the desires from me numerous times.... yet it remains. Who knows...maybe reincarnation does exist and I was a man in a previous life or something! LOL

Is it Possible to Love TOO much??

I often wonder if I am a woman that loves too much...too hard. It seems that in all of my relationships, it is natural for me to give 150% of my heart and soul. I don't think I know any other way to love.

I am in a relationship with the most amazing man that has ever been in my life and I adore him immensely. He tells me all the time "You are such a wonderful, amazing woman, babe." Sometimes, though.. I wonder if my depth of love and adoration if a bit abnormal. I view my man as my world (with the exception of my children). I hate being away from him and can't wait to see him again when we have been apart - even if just for work, school, etc. I believe a good man - a REAL man deserves high respect and reverence and submissiveness from his lady. Now... let's not get that twisted. I don't mean be a welcome mat or allow anyone to mistreat me.
I find pleasure in making sure he is happy and taken care of. I even pray for him more than myself. I am careful of my words and tone of voice to him. I am mindful of him in all that I do, even the way I carry myself when I am not in his presence. I guess the thing that scares me a little is that I honestly feel like I would crumble without him if anything ever happened to him. Until him, all the men that have been in my life have been pain to me, in one way or another. He is the first man I have felt safe with....completely. He is everything to me. Best friend, lover, teacher, side-kick, counselor, and at times even like a father. I call him Daddy because of all the things he is to me.

Is it too much?? At times I wish I could just breathe him in and hold him inside. He truly is "all of my reasons".........

Tuesdays With Morrie

What an amazing story! I have only just recently seen the film and plan on buying the book. More people need to view life like Morrie. I have picked out a few of my favorite quotes of him to share with you....

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."

"Love wins. Love always wins."

"We...need to forgive ourselves...For all the things we didn't do. All the things we should have done. You can't get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened."

"...if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark."

"In the beginning of life, when we were infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right? But here's the secret: in between, we need others as well."


"...if you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down on you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."

"When you learn how to die....you learn how to live."

"We must love each other....or die."

"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you have created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on-in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here."

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

2011 Update

Wow... I can't believe that it has been almost a year since I started this blog! I had such good intentions to keep up with this blog.... I NEED to do it. I always feel better when I write. *sigh* Well.. now the task of updating....

I have dealt with a lot of emotions I felt about my father and I have gotten past some of the negative ones. We do keep in contact. I can't say that I am ready to see him again just yet, though. So much "uncomfortableness"there for me. But... all in all, I do realize the genuine efforts he has made to be in my life and that does have to account for something - which is a lot more than what I can say for the majority of my other "family" members.

My mother......SMH. I have come to a place where I am just so tired of chasing a relationship that has honestly never been there to begin with. And why???? She is the one I should be most angry and "Done" with. I just keep leaving myself open to get my feelings hurt by her. I need to stop. JUST STOP! Sometimes, I feel like I just wanna pack up and move far, far away from everyone.

As I reflect on 2010 I ask myself what did I learn from 2010?

I learned that Sometimes no matter how much you try to love someone - you can't make them receive it. That is so sad to me. Isn't love the thing that makes this maze of life all worth it???

I learned that just when I think I have been hurt as much as I could be....there can always be something that comes along and drives me to my knees again. BUT..... I can still get back up and I can move beyond it...again.

I learned that forgiveness is a ministry in itself. By forgiving someone, you release them from a weight of negativity that they have carried. You free them to improve...to correct themselves. By forgiving them - You free yourself from pain. You heal.

As 2011 takes off... I cant help but think how fast years seem to cruise by now. Life is sooooo fleeting. I want to live my life to the fullest, every day. I want to love as much as I can. I want to laugh every chance I get. I want to make a difference to as many souls as I can.