A couple of weeks ago, my birth father came to see me. Prior to this visit, I had only seen him 3 other times in my life. I was very hesitant to agree to let him come, as he wanted to stay at my house the entire 5 days. I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle him being all up in my space that long due to the fact that he is still a stranger to me really. I went ahead and agreed. So.. he came. The good thing is that I wouldn't be alone with him the whole time since my kids and my fiance live with me. I went to pick him up at the airport, a nervous wreck. I knew this was not going to be any kind of Oprah moment for me so I was slightly sick at my stomach to say the least. I pulled up and saw him standing there. I got out of my car to greet him and load his suitcase in my car. The man literally was almost running toward me with this huge grin on his face. I on the other hand was still fighting the urge to vomit. He grabbed me and hugged me for what seemed like 10 minutes and told me how great it was to see me. I felt sad because I honestly felt nothing positive. The ride home seemed longer than usual of course. I really avoided eye contact and was talking about anything and everything to avoid an uncomfortable silence.
Once he was all settled, he immediately broke out some pics he brought for me of him and I when I was a baby. In one of them, He was asleep on a couch, holding me on his chest. I instantly was overcome with emotions. Angry, hurt, scared....so many things. See, my father had made a decision to sign of rights to be my father when I was just a toddler. My mother kept the fact that I was really adopted for years. I found this all out by accident when I was 14 1/2. I stumbled across 2 birth certificates for myself. When I brought to my mother to ask her about the two different names, but same birth date, she about fell out on the floor. She never intended to tell me. My step-father had adopted me shortly after my real father had signed off rights. But it was my step-father who had sexually and physically abused me for years. So, finding out that he wasn't even my real father only added to my pain. My mother had always told me my father cared nothing about me and never tried to contact me. Seeing the pics he brought, along with some other things, indicated otherwise and it hurt. Not only did my mother standby and allow this man (not even my father) abuse me and steal my childhood from me, but she then lied and tried to steal my chance of knowing who I really was and where I came from! I sat there, as he was talking to me all excited to share with me these pics, family tree, etc.. and all I wanted to do was run out of the house, get in my car and drive far away and scream and cry. I don't even think I heard anything he said to me at that point. It was all I could do to hold my emotions in.
The next day, my father shared some disturbing details with me about my childhood. He knew that I was being sexually and physically abused for years when it was going on. He said he had tried to do something about it many times, but because he had signed off rights, nobody would hear him out. He shed more light as to all the lies that surrounded how everything about the abuse was just shoved under the rug in the judicial system. He told me of reports that had even been made by people that were shoved in a file and ignored for years. Then, when I finally asked the dreadful question that I had been dying to ask for years: "WHY did you give me up?" His answer crushed me even more. I was really expecting - or maybe just hoping to hear some horrible, gut wrenching story of some terrible struggle/fight he went through. His response felt like a slap across my face. He said "....Money". Are you kidding me!!! ??? That's all you got, dude, really???! For years, I worked on forgiving him, my mother and my step-father...and that's all I got?? I felt like I was back to ground zero. I wanted to sob. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to disappear. I told him that I was angry and that I felt like had he not acted so selfishly, and kept me in his life, maybe none of those horrible things would have happened to me. I felt it was his fault. Of course, he had spent years dealing with his own demons and guilt so none of this was new to him. But it was all new to me and all of those old emotions came rushing in all over again. This man, sitting at my table, with this smile of his face, so happy to see me, had just ripped open the most painful wound of my life and seemingly poured salt in it. Instantly my walls were up even higher. I had to get away. So, that evening, I left. I decided I was going to drink until I was numb. (I know, I know). I ended up not drinking much at all, but was trying so hard to numb it all out in my head and shove it all down, like I used to...but it wasn't working. Instead, I reached a point of depersonalization in my head over the whole thing and literally lost it. I lost all track of time, what I was doing, where I really was even. My fiance came and found me...took me home and I crumbled in his lap. I didn't want him to see me that way. I was so afraid he would view me as crazy or damaged or whatever and he would want to end things with me. But he didn't. Instead, he did exactly what I needed - held me, let me cry, cried with me, and comforted me as I let it all out. I felt like that little girl all over again, just wanted to run and hide... But I didn't have to hide from him. He made me feel safe. Ive never felt safe. Not with that part of me. But he made me feel like for once in my life.. it was okay. That I was okay. It would all be okay.
So, to shorten things... the remainder of my father's visit, I pretty much just "floated" through...going through the emotions to get it over with. After he left... I felt I could breathe again finally. but now... here I am... faced with all these emotions to deal with again. How do I deal with my mom now??? I have tried to maintain some sort of relationship, as weak as it has been, simply because she is my mom. But this new information seemed to have thrown a wrench in everything in my head. How do I forgive again? How do I look at her face now?? Do I say anything?? Do I just let it go?? I don't even know if I care if I see my father again.. I know that sounds horrible. The man has sincerely been trying to develop a relationship with me for years and I keep shutting him out. But.... I cant deny the fact that none of it feels good to me. Every time he would touch me or hug me, I would cringe. I think I associate "father" with sex in my head or something and it grosses me out. My mother is still with my step-dad. I think that's what makes all of this so hard for me. It is always in my face.... that thing that haunts me every day of my life. That thing that invade my sleep with tormenting nightmares. That thing that makes me wake up and smell that cologne in my nose like its thick in the air. That thing that made my walls so tall and thick. That thing that has made it almost impossible to trust anyone. That thing that has made my heart ache for 35 years.
So... now I wonder.. would it have been better if I had never met with him and found out all those things?? I was fine before he came. For the most part anyway. I had learned over the years how to deal with what I did know. Got real good at masking and compartmentalizing all the memories and pain. And now its all in my face again like a sick, tiring old movie that I don't want to watch anymore. I just want to burn the film and make it all go away in smoke. Or will this be yet another phase of my healing and becoming more "whole"...if there is such a thing for me.
Blessing in a thorn.... or just a bloody thorn??????????
Once he was all settled, he immediately broke out some pics he brought for me of him and I when I was a baby. In one of them, He was asleep on a couch, holding me on his chest. I instantly was overcome with emotions. Angry, hurt, scared....so many things. See, my father had made a decision to sign of rights to be my father when I was just a toddler. My mother kept the fact that I was really adopted for years. I found this all out by accident when I was 14 1/2. I stumbled across 2 birth certificates for myself. When I brought to my mother to ask her about the two different names, but same birth date, she about fell out on the floor. She never intended to tell me. My step-father had adopted me shortly after my real father had signed off rights. But it was my step-father who had sexually and physically abused me for years. So, finding out that he wasn't even my real father only added to my pain. My mother had always told me my father cared nothing about me and never tried to contact me. Seeing the pics he brought, along with some other things, indicated otherwise and it hurt. Not only did my mother standby and allow this man (not even my father) abuse me and steal my childhood from me, but she then lied and tried to steal my chance of knowing who I really was and where I came from! I sat there, as he was talking to me all excited to share with me these pics, family tree, etc.. and all I wanted to do was run out of the house, get in my car and drive far away and scream and cry. I don't even think I heard anything he said to me at that point. It was all I could do to hold my emotions in.
The next day, my father shared some disturbing details with me about my childhood. He knew that I was being sexually and physically abused for years when it was going on. He said he had tried to do something about it many times, but because he had signed off rights, nobody would hear him out. He shed more light as to all the lies that surrounded how everything about the abuse was just shoved under the rug in the judicial system. He told me of reports that had even been made by people that were shoved in a file and ignored for years. Then, when I finally asked the dreadful question that I had been dying to ask for years: "WHY did you give me up?" His answer crushed me even more. I was really expecting - or maybe just hoping to hear some horrible, gut wrenching story of some terrible struggle/fight he went through. His response felt like a slap across my face. He said "....Money". Are you kidding me!!! ??? That's all you got, dude, really???! For years, I worked on forgiving him, my mother and my step-father...and that's all I got?? I felt like I was back to ground zero. I wanted to sob. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to disappear. I told him that I was angry and that I felt like had he not acted so selfishly, and kept me in his life, maybe none of those horrible things would have happened to me. I felt it was his fault. Of course, he had spent years dealing with his own demons and guilt so none of this was new to him. But it was all new to me and all of those old emotions came rushing in all over again. This man, sitting at my table, with this smile of his face, so happy to see me, had just ripped open the most painful wound of my life and seemingly poured salt in it. Instantly my walls were up even higher. I had to get away. So, that evening, I left. I decided I was going to drink until I was numb. (I know, I know). I ended up not drinking much at all, but was trying so hard to numb it all out in my head and shove it all down, like I used to...but it wasn't working. Instead, I reached a point of depersonalization in my head over the whole thing and literally lost it. I lost all track of time, what I was doing, where I really was even. My fiance came and found me...took me home and I crumbled in his lap. I didn't want him to see me that way. I was so afraid he would view me as crazy or damaged or whatever and he would want to end things with me. But he didn't. Instead, he did exactly what I needed - held me, let me cry, cried with me, and comforted me as I let it all out. I felt like that little girl all over again, just wanted to run and hide... But I didn't have to hide from him. He made me feel safe. Ive never felt safe. Not with that part of me. But he made me feel like for once in my life.. it was okay. That I was okay. It would all be okay.
So, to shorten things... the remainder of my father's visit, I pretty much just "floated" through...going through the emotions to get it over with. After he left... I felt I could breathe again finally. but now... here I am... faced with all these emotions to deal with again. How do I deal with my mom now??? I have tried to maintain some sort of relationship, as weak as it has been, simply because she is my mom. But this new information seemed to have thrown a wrench in everything in my head. How do I forgive again? How do I look at her face now?? Do I say anything?? Do I just let it go?? I don't even know if I care if I see my father again.. I know that sounds horrible. The man has sincerely been trying to develop a relationship with me for years and I keep shutting him out. But.... I cant deny the fact that none of it feels good to me. Every time he would touch me or hug me, I would cringe. I think I associate "father" with sex in my head or something and it grosses me out. My mother is still with my step-dad. I think that's what makes all of this so hard for me. It is always in my face.... that thing that haunts me every day of my life. That thing that invade my sleep with tormenting nightmares. That thing that makes me wake up and smell that cologne in my nose like its thick in the air. That thing that made my walls so tall and thick. That thing that has made it almost impossible to trust anyone. That thing that has made my heart ache for 35 years.
So... now I wonder.. would it have been better if I had never met with him and found out all those things?? I was fine before he came. For the most part anyway. I had learned over the years how to deal with what I did know. Got real good at masking and compartmentalizing all the memories and pain. And now its all in my face again like a sick, tiring old movie that I don't want to watch anymore. I just want to burn the film and make it all go away in smoke. Or will this be yet another phase of my healing and becoming more "whole"...if there is such a thing for me.
Blessing in a thorn.... or just a bloody thorn??????????
